where the fuck did i go wrong...

last night i dreamt of him again...
this time i was struggling, fighting to open my mouth

the door was closed and i was screaming so hard.

my voice would not work.

i screamed "fuck you, you have ruined my life" but i dont think he heard me...i dont think he heard me say "you are a fucking rapist piece of shit & i hope you die the slowest, most horrifying death that ever was".... i wish he had.

the saddest thing is that i know he tells people that i am crazy.
it infuriates me.
i see how people look at me, i see the hesitation when they are telling a story and have to omit his name.

i am not invited places...

FUCK YOU. you'll get yours you fucking piece of trash.

i dont know why i cant just put this to rest. i need not to get back to drinking....

today, actually just now...and im so upset about it that i just needed to get it out here....i heard from my downstairs neighbor's apt the sounds of a girl in pain..sexually.
and i waited (i was walking the dog-not just standing by the window creeperesque) and it went on long enough for me to be sure it wasnt an accident. i said something.

i feel better for opening my mouth
but its eating me up...just knowing that goes on all around me...nothing you can really fucking do. if nothing else, i interrupted. hopefully i implanted the idea that what was going on was not normal...and not ok.

ugh. fucking hate scumbags.

i havent written in so long...

i got a puppy in october and i havent cut since...but tonight is a struggle.

im out of love with him and i hate myself bc of how good he has been to me through all of my madness. i dont really know what to do... i just feel shitty. and i dont want to cut...

i am not ok today
im sweating and my skin burns.
i am on fire.

i cried all morning, couldnt bring myself to step out the door for classes...i feel so pathetic.
i am struggling so hard not to do it...

in the process i have devoured an entire container of dairy-free ice cream. so now my stomach hurts too.

i dont really see myself getting through today without a break.

my mother tried to kill herself.



i cant shake the feeling that i have no chance-that despite all the blood i let out of myself-it will always be broken running through my veins.

i hate everyone. even my favourite doctor. everyone.

i think i might be losing him.

i feel him look at me with disgust...i caught myself silently begging "please love me, i swear ill be good"

and i wanted to die.



My worst fear in life is coming true.  I knew that the doctors' pride in me obtaining a normal relationship was too good to be true.  I feel so fucking stupid.   Of course i cant beat this.  Im going to end up like my mother... with a hateful monster as a husband and i am going to kill myself. 
i have the thought-not that it will happen soon-but much later in life...like id estimate 35...i just get a feeling of peace for some reason when this thought crosses my mind.  I guess if my mind phrases it that way its like i still have control...i never have it.

stupid bitch.
cunt.

fat. slob.


awesome. wonder why i cant stop cutting myself. as if i needed someone other than myself to say these things to me.

i thought i left that voice 400miles away...apparently i just found a replacement. and i am so disgusted.

i cut.
epic failure.


over a month, ruined.


i found out that my mother is suicidal.

i feel terrible for multiple reasons, the most disturbing being that a large part of me cannot help but hate her violently for letting her children stay in the situation we did. I hate her for her weakness, her fear, and her inability to think for herself.   I am disgusted by my internal brat delighting in the fact that now she knows what it is to want to die.

i hate myself for this.
i hate that she is still in that house, but how much honestly could i have done further? i offered her so much. i have wasted so much hoping that someday shed strap on a pair and just get out...and that i could have something resembling a family.

i cried in class today.
savasanna with fucking tears filling my ears.

fuck.


i met with my old therapist today. i love her. today we talked about the..the incident. i still dont even like to say it.
the yogi today talked all about letting go and i just went ape shit.
i almost puked in the street.
cried all the way home, dreaming of the ways to distract when i get home....cut drink smoke?

ugh. im going to do a yoga dvd and im still all sweaty from class. if in 90 minutes i dont feel better im gashing.

i just went to my first hot yoga class.

hot.

let me tell you, fucking hot.

im mostly happy that i didnt throw up, but i actually got a lot of the positions too.

im feeling high right now-and ive been w/o drugs or alcohol for a month.
amazingggggg.

i saw my old therapist today.
she is the best thing for me.

ive started yoga.  its amazing.
there is no thinking.